Go Stealthily with a View
Feel that blissful satisfaction of all your weight in your rump, leaned back with the new Maxim magazine (man, that girl is hot!), the sun shining through the window illuminating you, on the pot, taking the perfect morning dump. …mmm… Now take away the book and the toilet and what’s left- a hole in the ground (sometimes porcelain) with two foot pads, a bucket and some sort of water procuring mechanism, usually a faucet. But you definitely still have to go. In this case, urgently, the body demands release. The strident internal clamor, the crushing abdominal pain won’t calm until- with perfect balance, knees bent into a crouch, bum hovering in position just over the hole- the duty is done. A productive session, pleasant, accomplished.
The case against using coloured toilet paper circulated in the ’90s and my family enjoys the white, two-ply, quilted variety. The post-grad youngish 20 year-olds enjoy the cheap kind while sometimes leaving the door open in order to continue an ardent discussion. After the hole, however, no fluffy or scratchy paper products are to be found. Enter in the faucet and bucket (or bucket/cup combination) from stage right… or stage left… And using *only* your left hand, either reach over or under and then fill the mug and splash splash splash. Oh yes, it’s wet down there. And clean. Which is nice because the water could be anywhere as one’s aim is a skill mastered over time and trial. But an effective alternative method of doing it. We all must. Daily feels best. Or more often if your dinner didn’t sit well, or at all, in your stomach.
Western style toilets exist, curiously, they are more often paired with the faucet, which doesn’t really make sense, because the position of the body and the toilet is off and everything just gets wet. Conversely, the hole in the ground with the paper is equally unappealing. Everywhere you go, it’s a surprise combination to be mastered.
Toilet situations can vary from dire to extremely pleasing. When the crazy bus with the broken windows and random iron pole jutting out from the side, (bobbing up and down with every bump threatening to decapitate whomever in its vicinity) pulls over to a random chia stop, one should avoid all giant puddles of “mud.” Hold your breath when you enter the dark chamber with rusty lock and your headlamp, if you remembered to take it out of your bag you left with your exhausted friends, will illuminate the little box in which you do your business. I’d estimate that about 40% of toilet visits are regular bathroom experiences with nice rooms, painted walls, art perhaps, a shower of some sort… But then I’d argue that the most enjoyable of Asian bathroom experiences have an aspect more magical than even the sexiest magazine might ever provide.
Sometimes, while traveling in this part of the world, you look out the window of your commode and see a vast expanse of beautiful nature revealed without any visual interference. No buildings, or power lines, or garbage, just green lush mountains with tiered rice fields, pink and red rhododendron forests tumbling down the vast spaces in front of you. Lots of air. You look out into the abyss and down against the hillside, built up with buildings or farmed, or colourful prayer flags. Or the most clear view of Annapurna at dawn with the cauldron below its peek visible for the very first time. Just amazing views. From the bathroom! The best views are always in the bathroom. If you can keep your balance, aim correctly and manage not to drench yourself with water while cleaning off, that view can be yours to keep as an imprint in your memory while doing your business. Using all variations of facilities, the views are spectacular.
ooo jello
Mr. Shit, I’d like you to meet Mr. Fan…now play nice you two…..
Tomorrow, Nepali citizens will go to the polls to vote for the party who will get to draw the new Nepali constitution, which is meant to fill the void left after the disastrous fall of the homicidal monarchy of just a few years ago. (yes, it’s a long story, look it up)
I’m not going to get into too many specifics about this, but my feelings about being here go something like this…
Anybody out there ever watch Bugs Bunny cartoons? You remember those encounters between Bugs and the Tasmanian Devil, and somehow Bugs would find himself in Taz’s boiling hot cauldron, and he’s just sitting there thinking that he’s taking a nice warm bath, confusedly watching his marsupial nemesis cutting carrots and potatoes to add to the stew? In a way, that’s us, 3 travelers taking a nice warm bath, or in our case, an innocent adventure in Nepal. Everything’s going just fine, we’re having a great time, what could possibly go wrong?
But I’m feeling the water get hotter, and I can sense that maybe soon, this warm bath will start bubbling. The water’s ready to boil, and all we can do is watch. Bombs have been blasting in and around Kathmandu all week. Nobody seems all that concerned, it’s just one of those things that happens with politics here. But everywhere I go, I see different flags in different neighborhoods meant to hail different party affiliations. There’s like 70 different parties fighting to draw up the new constitution, and not one of them really shows a clear hold of Nepali loyalty. Indeed, a recent polling determined that 10% of Nepali voters are going for the Maoists, 10% for the royal party, and 10% for the congress party. 60% of voters were undecided! Most people that I’ve talked to plan to decide who they’re going to vote for once they get into the polling stations. There aren’t any prevalent leaders here with any credibility or enough clout to sway the masses. Imagine America during the revolution, but in this context, no George Washington figure, no Thomas Jeffersons, no John Adams’, no Franklins, no hancock’s, not even a fucking patrick henry.
It’s anybody’s game, and no matter who wins, some group is just not going to play by the rules. This is not going to be seen as a free and fair election, even if it turns out to be one. People will be pissed no matter who gets it. At least some degree of chaos will ensue- there will be people demanding recounts, demanding rebellion, demanding civil war.
I’m not saying that these things are going to happen necessarily- Nepal could surprise itself. And I hope sincerely that it does. But the recipe that I’m seeing is one for disaster, not democracy.
Lets just re-examine that poll for one moment. If the Maoists, at 10%, have as much of a chance of winning as any other party, and they’ve already proven themselves a violent, coercive bunch of terrorizing pitch-fork throwers, then doesn’t that mean that this whole election is pretty much bullshit? By the very nature of their political ideaology, they have no business drawing up a constitution for the future of a nation. If the Maoists win, there’s going to be an uproar.
But wait, lets say they DON’T win, you think they’re just going to sit back and play nice? What are you, stupid?? The Maoists have muscled their way into the political sphere through guerrilla warfare and bomb threats, among other shady tactics. When we talked to the embassy the other day, they advised us to not leave the country before four days after the election, because if shit went down in the plains on the way to the border, there would be absolutely no way for us to get help. They know that when the Maoists play, they play dirty.
We’ll just have to wait and see…
-Das
